What are your beliefs and practices regarding pornographic materials?

2010-03-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

What?!

Exactly. Why would anyone ask anyone what their beliefs and practices on pornographic materials are? Yet this is a question with which I was faced this week.

What do you say to something like that? Do you answer honestly? Do you maintain that, seeing as you are the most recent name on the long list of persons canonized as a saints, that you have never seen porn? Obviously the only way you might have gone near such materials was to get directions on how to get away from there.

The trouble was that the porn issue came about after a long line of questions - questions that made lying a guilt-laden mine field.

Let's hope in the Way Back Machine. You be Sherman and I'll be Mr. Peabody, here to explain everything.

This week, after finally admitting to myself that, although I have often applied to jobs in places like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, and Palestine, these countries seem to have long lines of people just waiting to work there (if only I were kidding). Therefore, I should try to find another way into these places that did not involve a job with a non-profit, nongovernmental organization (NGO). Perhaps I should try my luck with teaching.

I have a few friends who wanted to break the surely bonds of their country of origin and found teaching English to rich Asian kids was the way to do it. Why not me? So, I hopped online, still in the hopes of working in a place like Afghanistan, and looked for teaching English overseas jobs.

What I found was an organization that sent English teachers to what sounds like the premier international school in Kabul. Apparently, this is where rich Afghans (the ones who let out a loud "Fuck This!" during the Taliban years and only recently repatriated, probably due to the positions available to educated elites whose hands are clean of any insurgency), foreign diplomats, and members of the international aid and business communities all send their child. The courses are taught in English and students receive a generally Americanized education.

So I sent off an open application (work history, education, etc). The next day (!), I got an email asking me to complete the interview portion of the process. After I'd finished doing backflips in my mom's kitchen, I read on. Apparently, the interview process was nothing more than a written questionnaire. Still, this was the furthest I'd gotten with any of the 60+ positions I'd applied for in the last three months.

The "interview" started out innocently enough. Are you married? Do you have any children? Any health conditions that might prevent you from shitting yourself right before you shove children out of the way George Costanza-style when trying to escape a roadside bomb?

Then things took an interesting turn. The next question was "Give a brief account of your salvation experience."

Let's pause our journey for a quick aside: I am a committed Christan trying to fulfill Christ's call to love one another as stated in John 13:34. I think it would be great to work for an organization with an mandate that stems from Christan beliefs, so long as, in their work, they are not trying to force those beliefs on those whom they are meant to be assisting. In short, no proselytizing.

What do you do when asked to, in a few short sentences, describe what could arguably be the most important thing that has ever happened to you? So, that apex of your mortal existence- what was that like? Be quick.

So I was. I summed up my beliefs as best as possible. I finished and thought "well, at least I got through that." What's next? Oh right, "Make a personal statement regarding the Bible as absolute truth and the exclusivity of the Gospel message." Easy. Fine. No worries.

Shit.

I muddled through that one and plodding on to the next question - "What do you believe about the origin of the Earth and mankind?"

Christ! Literally and figuratively, I suppose. I gave them the God as the Great Scientist line (God created evolution, which in turn created humanity), but now I was starting to wonder just who these people were. Fuck off, this isn't their business? This isn't even legal! Oh right, they're in Afghanistan.

Shit.

Onwards and upwards to questions like "ever been involved in personal evangelism?," "what are your personal beliefs and practices regarding the use of alcohol?," "what is your attitude towards legalism and Christan freedoms?" (seriously, if you even understand what the means - message me. I had no idea.), and "describe your relationship with the Lord." This shit took me three hours.

All this led to the title of this post. The last question - and keep in mind that this is all one question - read: "What are your beliefs and practices regarding pre-marital and extra-marital sex, homosexuality, and pornographic materials?"

Now let me stop and share an observation made by a friend when I told him this story. Quite often, HR folks try to put the hardest question toward, if not at, the end of an interview. As it was the hardest question, it seems likely that they thought this gem up pretty early on and figured they'd fire off those easy Christan legalism questions first as a warm up. Balls.

Tempting answer: "I am an unmarried gay man who currently stars in pornos with married men. Check out our link at: fuckthisquestion.com."

Actual answer: Pre-marital sex, yup. Extra-martial, not a fan. Gay folks, no problem.

Porn? "I grew up in the digital age with an internet connection and a computer. I have viewed porn." Seriously. Then I wrote some dribble about how porn distorts what a loving, sexual relationship is (well not dribble, but you get it).

All that to say that, I'm sure come next week, the job search will continue.

Stay tuned.

An Introduction

2010-02-28T22:57:00.001-05:00

Greetings!

I am highly interested in the (insert name of position for which I am under qualified) at (insert the name of the organization that despises me for clogging their HR inbox). As you can see from my attached ("resume" or "CV," depending on the organization), I am eminently (read: "not at all") qualified for the position based on my past experience (a string of unpaid internships), education (a two year stretch that taught me that doing anything the night before it's due will guarantee you not one, but two Masters degrees from one of the world's top 20 universities. With honours.), and skills (the same computer skills that anyone under the age of 30 posses, perhaps with better porn searching abilities due only to the fact that I've been unemployed for so long already). Thank (Fuck) you in advance for (not at all) considering me for this position (and passing my useless cover letter around your office on a Friday afternoon in order to entertain the entire staff for an hour) and I look forward to (not) hearing from you (ever).

Sincerely (God bless spell check as I never learned to spell this word, nor think of a better one),

Joe Jobless

And so the letter goes. I hit send, my email application makes that cool sound of an airplane taking off (though I'm strongly considering changing it to the sound of a toilet flushing), and I continue looking for jobs. Sleep. Facebook. Eat. Facebook. Repeat.

These are the Adventures of the Jobless.

A few things you should know:

I'm just another 20 something looking for work. There are a lot of us.
I'm looking for jobs in the International Humanitarian Aid world, or "Aidland" (No, that does not mean AIDS-land, you cynical twit). They're the people trying to help Haiti, create a better infrastructure in Afghanistan, pull Africa back from the brink, and so on.
I live in the U.S., but went to grad school somewhere else (one of the world's top 20, which actually doesn't mean much). As such, I apologize in advance for sentences that start with obnoxious introductory clauses like "My Italian friend" or "While on the phone with a mate from Belfast" and so on. It's not meant to be pretentious
Actually, there's no way for me to be pretentious anymore as I live with my mom, have $500 left in my bank account (left over student loan money), am overweight, and obviously have no job.

That should be all you need to know, although I'm sure with a little Google Recon, you could figure out a lot more. But really, there's no need.

Now come with me on a journey of job applications, mounting credit card debt, unpaid student loans, endless facebook visits, and a strange sense of freedom.

The best part is - there's not reason to keep up before noon.