What are your beliefs and practices regarding pornographic materials?

What?!

Exactly. Why would anyone ask anyone what their beliefs and practices on pornographic materials are? Yet this is a question with which I was faced this week.

What do you say to something like that? Do you answer honestly? Do you maintain that, seeing as you are the most recent name on the long list of persons canonized as a saints, that you have never seen porn? Obviously the only way you might have gone near such materials was to get directions on how to get away from there.

The trouble was that the porn issue came about after a long line of questions - questions that made lying a guilt-laden mine field.

Let's hope in the Way Back Machine. You be Sherman and I'll be Mr. Peabody, here to explain everything.

This week, after finally admitting to myself that, although I have often applied to jobs in places like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, and Palestine, these countries seem to have long lines of people just waiting to work there (if only I were kidding). Therefore, I should try to find another way into these places that did not involve a job with a non-profit, nongovernmental organization (NGO). Perhaps I should try my luck with teaching.

I have a few friends who wanted to break the surely bonds of their country of origin and found teaching English to rich Asian kids was the way to do it. Why not me? So, I hopped online, still in the hopes of working in a place like Afghanistan, and looked for teaching English overseas jobs.

What I found was an organization that sent English teachers to what sounds like the premier international school in Kabul. Apparently, this is where rich Afghans (the ones who let out a loud "Fuck This!" during the Taliban years and only recently repatriated, probably due to the positions available to educated elites whose hands are clean of any insurgency), foreign diplomats, and members of the international aid and business communities all send their child. The courses are taught in English and students receive a generally Americanized education.

So I sent off an open application (work history, education, etc). The next day (!), I got an email asking me to complete the interview portion of the process. After I'd finished doing backflips in my mom's kitchen, I read on. Apparently, the interview process was nothing more than a written questionnaire. Still, this was the furthest I'd gotten with any of the 60+ positions I'd applied for in the last three months.

The "interview" started out innocently enough. Are you married? Do you have any children? Any health conditions that might prevent you from shitting yourself right before you shove children out of the way George Costanza-style when trying to escape a roadside bomb?

Then things took an interesting turn. The next question was "Give a brief account of your salvation experience."

Let's pause our journey for a quick aside: I am a committed Christan trying to fulfill Christ's call to love one another as stated in John 13:34. I think it would be great to work for an organization with an mandate that stems from Christan beliefs, so long as, in their work, they are not trying to force those beliefs on those whom they are meant to be assisting. In short, no proselytizing.

What do you do when asked to, in a few short sentences, describe what could arguably be the most important thing that has ever happened to you? So, that apex of your mortal existence- what was that like? Be quick.

So I was. I summed up my beliefs as best as possible. I finished and thought "well, at least I got through that." What's next? Oh right, "Make a personal statement regarding the Bible as absolute truth and the exclusivity of the Gospel message." Easy. Fine. No worries.

Shit.

I muddled through that one and plodding on to the next question - "What do you believe about the origin of the Earth and mankind?"

Christ! Literally and figuratively, I suppose. I gave them the God as the Great Scientist line (God created evolution, which in turn created humanity), but now I was starting to wonder just who these people were. Fuck off, this isn't their business? This isn't even legal! Oh right, they're in Afghanistan.

Shit.

Onwards and upwards to questions like "ever been involved in personal evangelism?," "what are your personal beliefs and practices regarding the use of alcohol?," "what is your attitude towards legalism and Christan freedoms?" (seriously, if you even understand what the means - message me. I had no idea.), and "describe your relationship with the Lord." This shit took me three hours.

All this led to the title of this post. The last question - and keep in mind that this is all one question - read: "What are your beliefs and practices regarding pre-marital and extra-marital sex, homosexuality, and pornographic materials?"

Now let me stop and share an observation made by a friend when I told him this story. Quite often, HR folks try to put the hardest question toward, if not at, the end of an interview. As it was the hardest question, it seems likely that they thought this gem up pretty early on and figured they'd fire off those easy Christan legalism questions first as a warm up. Balls.

Tempting answer: "I am an unmarried gay man who currently stars in pornos with married men. Check out our link at: fuckthisquestion.com."

Actual answer: Pre-marital sex, yup. Extra-martial, not a fan. Gay folks, no problem.

Porn? "I grew up in the digital age with an internet connection and a computer. I have viewed porn." Seriously. Then I wrote some dribble about how porn distorts what a loving, sexual relationship is (well not dribble, but you get it).

All that to say that, I'm sure come next week, the job search will continue.

Stay tuned.